Nov 2, 2006

Missing them...

November 1, nasa Bulacan kami mag-anak, kasama ang tito ko at tatlong pinsan sa fatherside. Dinalaw namin ang puntod ng brother kong si Willyboy at ng mommy ko. Kakadalaw lang namin nung first death anniversary ni mommy nung September 29 kaya malinis pa ang paligid. Pansin niyo namang old rose ang kulay ng nitso nila ano? Pinapalitan kasi namin last year nung mamatay ang mommy dahil yan ang favorite color nya :)

Kung titignan mo kaming pamilya, parang matagal nang namatay si mommy. Kasi maingay kami at panay ang tawanan! Wala na yung lungkot. Ganun siguro talaga kapag tanggap na ang pagkamatay ng isang kapamilya. Nahirapan kami nung una dahil syempre, ang mommy ang gumagawa sa bahay... tagaluto, tagakulit sa amin kung may naiwang gamit bago lumabas ng bahay, tagapaalala na magdala ng payong, sumbungan ko sa gabi kapag naiinis sa office, kakulitan sa mga teleserye, at marami pang iba! I'm sure nakaka-relate ang mga mommies dyan. Hehehe...

Sa totoo, siya ang baby ng bahay namin. Malambing siya sobra at laging sinasabi sa lahat na masuwerte siya at mahal na mahal siya ng mga anak niya! Na totoo naman talaga :) My mom's sickness made us even closer to each other. At tinuruan akong maging expressive sa feelings ko. Niyakap ko siya talaga every chance I got. Kuwento ng lahat ng nangyari sa akin the whole day while massaging her legs para mabawasan ang manas... I'm proud to say na naibigay ko lahat ng gusto ni mommy nung nabubuhay pa siya. Lahat ng hirap ko sa trabaho, inuuwi ko talaga para sa aking inay. May isa palang hindi... ang maging close sa tatay niya sa Batangas. Pero, naiintindihan niya kung bakit. Di ba mommy?!

Nakaka-miss lang na wala na ang kakampi ko sa lahat...

Kahapon uli, habang nagkukulitan ang mga kapatid ko't mga pinsan, inatake ako ng lungkot for my brother. 14 years old siya nung dapuan ng leukemia. Ang sabi ng mga doktor, inborn daw ang sakit, dormant lang for a long time. Lumabas nung 14 na si Willyboy, pang-apat sa aming magkakapatid. Surreal when my mom told us about it. 3rd year college ako nun. First time naming nag-iyakang pamilya nang magkakaharap. 6 months lang tinagal niya, tulad ng taning ng doktor. Pinalagpas lang ang birthday niya. Sobrang sakit when he died kasi sobrang close kami. Ako ang bantay nya after school, 7AM to 11AM lang kasi pasok ko. Pag-uwi, dala ang lunch namin, diretso na sa hospital dahil hindi siya kakain kung di ko subuan. Mahina na kasi siya that time. Naging mahihiluhin at nanlalambot lagi dahil sa chemo. Uuwi lang ako after dinner na at sina mommy't daddy na ang bantay niya. Nung mga last 3 months niya, dun na rin ako natutulog dahil ayaw na niya akong pauwiin. Buddies kami sobra ng brother ko! Lahat ng kulitan ginawa namin sa hospital. Nandung ipasyal ko sya sakay ng wheelchair, kuwentuhan about NBA, kantahan ng mga fave songs niya...

I didn't cry when he died. Hindi pwede. My mom was sobbing the whole time. Ang mga kapatid ko, even si James na wala pang muwang noon, was crying. Si daddy was outside, silently crying as well... Junior niya yung namatay e. Tapos ako nakabantay sa paglagay ng bulak at pagbalot sa katawan ng kapatid ko. Nung nailibing na siya saka ako umiyak. They all needed my strength that time. Kaya siguro sobrang mature ko for my age. Sinuko na kasi namin siya dahil comatose na. Sabi ng mga doktor, raptured na yung ilang body organs nya. Pero he can hear us and tumutulo ang luha niya lagi. Lalo na nung marinig niya yung bestfriend niya.. My parents asked me kung ipapa-revive pa namin siya kung sakali atakihin na. I said no.

Uminom pa kami ng Sprite bago siya ma-coma. Nakahiga pa siya sa lap ko nung huling dilat niya ng mata. Ang huling sinabi niya bago siya ma-coma...

"Ate, inaantok na ko."

Tapos, he died three days after.

I don't know kung ano ang effect sa akin that I saw both of them draw their last breath. Ang mommy ko nung naghihingalo na was calling my name. Nahihirapan na raw siya at hawak ang kamay ko. There are days na naririnig ko pa rin yun. Nakita ko when my mom died. Nakita ko rin brother ko when his breathing stopped.

I love both of them so much! Nakaka-miss sobra dahil yung bibilhin kong bahay, hindi na makikita ni mommy. At yung dream namin ni Willyboy to watch an NBA game live, ako na lang ang makakagawa.

41 comments:

yorokobee said...

oh Sasha so sad story, to be honest crying na ako ngayon, nakakatouch ang story mo.

sad talaga pag mahal na mahal mo sa buhay ang mawawala.
you gave ur best naman pala before they leave kaya ok na yun atleast they are in peace na. masaya silang umalis kasi ginawa nyo lahat ng effort to show them how important they are.

andyan parin sila ...in ur heart.
memories will keep them alive.

Pray always. *hugs*

ghee said...

ngekk..akala ko first ako,di pala :)

hmmm,kaka miss nga...so sad,pero at least,natanggap nyo na..

ganda ng grave nila pati na ng colour.

im sure,masaya rin sila sa kinaroroonan nila ngayon :)

best daughter and sis ka pala..

huggggssssss

sasha said...

@Bee... naiyak din ako when I was writing this. Ngaun na lang uli ako nag-reminisce kasi.

Sad talaga. Hayy...

@Ate Ghee... yup, tanggap na namin. Yung mga kapatid ni daddy and mga cousins namin sa fatherside helped us overcome the loneliness of losing my mom.

And I know okay na sila ng brother ko.

Love ko lang talaga sila sobra kaya mabait ako, te ghee! *wink*
Hahaha

mousey said...

na touch ako sa kwento mo.

masaya na sila sa kinalalagyan nila ngayon and im sure they are really proud of you sashing!

potpot said...

wah.. nakakaiyak naman achie.. T_T... hnd ko maimagine sarili ko na makitang mamatay ung close family member ko.. hnd ko ata kakayanin.. wah! T_T

Anonymous said...

I was touched by this one. Ang hirap makitang nawawala na syo ang mahal mo. Madaling sabihin na tanggapin na lang pero parang ang hirap.

Bigla ko tuloy naisip mga babies ko, sana pagdating ng time na ganun stable na sila, yung kaya na nila talaga.

tina said...

nakakatouch naman itong story mo ngayon.... buti naman at tanggap nyo na.

rest assured that they are in a better place right now. :) *hugs*hugs*

joy-joy said...

saludo ako sayo. isa kang ulirang anak, kapatid, kaibigan,...


i want mine rainbow-colored para maiba.... :)

Tsina said...

nakakalungkot naman... :(

we'll never-ever know kung kailan ka talaga mawawalan ng hininga kung kailan ka titigil sa pag galaw at kung kailan ka huling didilat...

gandang realization to!

Guess we all have to savour each moments together...

and of course PARY ALWAYS!

Ingats ate Sasha!

kepyang said...

ate sasha..hay..naiiyakako lao nat naiimagine kung yung mga kwento mo..ayaw ko sa lahat kc eh ang mawawalan ng mahal sa buhay..napakahirap...talagang hindi ko kaya eh..your such a survivor and a strong person! I admire you ate sasha!
sana tulad mu den ako..malakas ang loob!

still said...

wow! napapaluha na ako, grabe sobrang touching ng story. I wish I could be as strong as you if ever the same thing happens to me. i can see you've been through a lot, ang galing mo grabe!

dahil dyan ililink na kita! :)

sasha said...

@mousey... i know they're happy wherever they are. at natuwa naman ako at na-touch ka sa kwento ko :)

@shobe... mahirap sa totoo. parang gusto mong hingin na ikaw na lang ang magkaganun kesa makita mong nahihirapan yung mahal mo. nung nire-revive na si mommy, sinisikmura ako sobra! parang maduduwal na hindi. takot yun! i realized it nung masaksakan na ng mga tubes mom ko. and u know what? i asked God to take her na kesa ganun kalagayan nya. brain dead na siya e. nung makita ko mom ko na nakadilat pero wala na, sobrang naiyak ako! pero I prayed and was able to accept everything :)

kakayanin mo yun lalo na kung ikaw ang ate and nakikita mo mga kapatid mo looking lost...

@Ate Ann...sa una mahirap talagang tanggapin. lalo na dun sa brother ko kasi 15yrs old lang siya nun. bago siya mamatay, lumakas pa siya and sobrang happy! yun pala, last surge of energy na lang nya yun. for 3 yrs walang ginawa mom ko kundi umiyak at tawagin siya. kaya nga antagal na nasa bahay lang soul ng brother ko. palakad-lakad...

Yun nga ang pinagpapasalamat namin kay God kasi nung kunin niya si mommy, stable na kami. Si James na lang, yung bunso, ang nag-aaral. Pero syempre, iba pa rin na nandyan ang mommy.

panghent said...

aruyy..ansakit nun, bumigat bigla puso ko ah..

buti nalang at tanggap niyo na..napakabuti mo naman! i'm sure e proud sila sayo, at masaya sila ngayon sa kinalalgyan nila. :)

rHo said...

naiyak naman ako sa story, very touching!! they are so lucky for having you... talagang hindi ka umalis sa tabi nila hanggang sa katapusan at pinahanga mo ako!

i'm sure masaya na sila sa kinaroroonan nila ngayon dahil pinadama mo sa kanila ang tunay na love nung nabubuhay pa sila!!

pa-hug nga! mwuahugggggzzz!!

Anonymous said...

(sigh) ces't la vie.... we'll pray for them...

melai said...

pangatlo ka ng blog na nabisita ko na may sad story dahil sa pagkawala ng mga espesyal sa buhay .... nakakalungkot pero alam ko pare-pareho na kayong masasaya ikaw at ang pamilya mo dito at ang mom at bro mo sa taas :) ...kaya magsaya na tayong lahat diba :)

Wendy said...

Pinaiyak mo ko sa story mo... *hugs*

effects_and_syndromes said...

Aw... Ang sakit talaga mamatayan...

tin said...

ang sad naman.. naiiyak ako.

tin said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
celena said...

Hm. That's very heartbreaking. It makes me feel blessed and thankful. Buti na lang hindi ko pa nararansang mawalan ng minamahal sa buhay.

At least, hanggang sa huling days na buhay nila napakita mo kung gaano mo sila kamahal at kung gaano sila kaimportante sayo.
Have a nice day.

sasha said...

@Tina... thanks! I believe that :)

@joyjoy... deep down all of us, may nakatagong ganyang katauhan :) lalo na at close ka sa kapatid o magulang mo.

rainbow colored? hehehe

@Tsina... tumpak sis! Treasure each moment spent with a love one kasi you'll never know, it can be the last one you'll have with them... and PRAY always talaga!

Take care din, long-lost sis! Muah! :)

@kipay... kung eldest ka and nandun ka na sa katayuan ko, you'd have no other choice but to be strong for everyone. Mahirap, yes, pero kaya! And let's pray na wag mangyari yun sayo ok? Luv yah, girl! :)

@Still... hahaha! You made my day! Link din kita maya :)

Take care! Ano, dalawin ka na namin dyan? Room 65 di ba? hehehe

sasha said...

@panghent... sowee sa mga nalungkot na tulad mo! Naisipan ko kasi na isulat yan kagabi dahil naalala ko sila. Yup, I'm pretty sure masaya na sila pareho with our Creator :)

@Rho... tenchu sa hug sis! hehehe... Basta yata love ko di ko kaya iwan. Be it a relative pa or a close friend. Nasa nature ko na yata talaga to be nurturing... naks! hehehe

@Vince... parang pag tinawag kitang "Vince" lang, wala akong galang. hehehe

Kuya, cge always pray for them ha :)

@ate Melai... tumpak! Magsaya na tayo at I'm sure masaya na rin sila with Him! :) Sowee at nalungkot ka rin... di bale, maya magpo-post na ako ng masaya! Hehehe

@Wendy... sowee, mare! Di bale, mamaya masaya na uli! hehehe

Salamat sa hug ;)

@tama ka dyan, Gretchen!

@sowee, tin! Nalungkot tuloy kaw...

@celena... you'd really appreciate God's blessings when you see other people's sufferings. Pangit pero true! Ganyan din kasi ako minsan :)

TAKE CARE EVERYONE! MUAAHHH!

howling said...

I feel so sad hearing your story Sasha. Your family should be really proud of you. You stood out as the one with immense resolve and the most admirable display of courage, reason and maturity. I do look up to that kind of person.

I have witnessed quite a lot of grieving from families who lost a love one in my line of work. I have looked after quite a lot of dying patients. I have cried and felt anger and frustration while looking after them. I know when it's time to pull the plug and let them pass away in the most dignified way. I have seen a lot of suffering. Sometimes a family member would continue to keep pressing perhaps to feel good about themselves that they are fighting to keep their love ones alive when you know that he or she has already had enough and just wanted to rest.

We have all been through to this kind of experiences and we understand that we go through different phases... denial, anger, bargaining, depression and eventually acceptance. The most mature will get there ahead of the others.

I had a personal experience of that myself when my grandma died.

Anyway, can you pass the tissues please?

:(

Racky aka Bakya Ni Neneng said...

i admire U gurl ... ibang klase ka ... God bless You!

Devilicious said...

:(

Was it hard? Di ko ata kakayanin yung ganun..

Di ata ako magiging kasing tapang mo..

Ngayon pa nga lang e.. :(

bianca said...

awwww :( very heartbreaking :( Di ko talaga kakayanin yun!!! :( Galin mo, kasi naka-move on ka agad. At least, medyo ok ka na ngayon. Kung ako siguro, nag breakdown na ko nyan at nabaliw na ng tuluyan.. hehe.

Happy weekend din! :) Gimik? wala!!! haha. Pinag-papack na ko ng gamit dahil itatapon na daw ulit ako sa dorm. haha.

Ingat ka :) Everything will be fine, trust me :) Mag pray ka lang, andyan pa naman si God eh. :) plus Memories will keep them alive :)

Anonymous said...

ah, yes... I think that's a privileged talaga siguro sa akin, or mas ok pag I impressed u na Kuya nga talaga ako... And for prayers, as it is always said, can do nothing, but to say, yes...

ikay the dancer said...

awwww... nakakaiyak at sasha... since my lolo died, super naging iyakin na ako.. tas whenever i feel down.. siya ang hinahanap ko..

:( tc ate sasha..

Anonymous said...

I must honestly admit to you, Sasha, that this is the first time that my eyes watered over a blog entry.

But when you look at the larger side of things, it's no longer an entry but a memory made public.

It gave me goosebumps. It almost made me shed tears.

Seriously.

Anonymous said...

yay! naka 3 pa ako.. hehe.. its hard kapag may mga mahal sa buhay bigla na lang lilisan dito sa mundo.. pero ang ganda po nung grave.. nakacremate po ba sila?

sasha said...

@Howling... It's so heart-wrenching to see someone suffering ano? Yours is a difficult job kasi you see someone sick everyday. Tapos, you see people die and their families grieving.

We never intended for my mom to be revived nung nasa ICU na siya. It would be cruel to do that to her. And we love her so much that we couldn't bear to see her with lots of tubes attached to her body.

Mahirap.

@Ate Neng... pinatatag lang ng mga experiences in life po. And ng faith ko in Him :)

@Devilicious... yes, sis, it was truly hard. Lalo na nung naka-attach na yung tubes sa kanya at nakadilat si mommy pero sa totoo brain dead na siya. Sobra yakap ko sa kanya! Mommy ako nang mommy...

@Bianca... we need to move on at one point or another. Bakit hindi pa ngayon di ba? Saka I believe in my heart naman na happy na si mommy at Willyboy with Him ^_^

@Kuya, as always... Thanks!

@Ikay... believe it or not, nakaburol ang mommy nakakatawa na ako. May halong lungkot syempre pero pinatatag na yata talaga ako ng tadhana... naks!

@CJ... they were not cremated. Nitso talaga yun nila :) Ganda noh? Fave color ni mommy yan e :)

sasha said...

At syempre, hinuli ko si Momel...

Thank you for the nice words. I was actually crying when I was writing this post. Matagal na when I last reminisced. Ewan ko ba at naisipan ko...

Yes, it was a memory made public.

masterbetong said...

touched ako...

i never imagine losing someone in the family, just the thought makes me sad/nervous...

ang tibay mo!!! hehehe!

sasha said...

Kelangan, master. Kasi eldest ako at ugali na sa pamilya na sa eldest ang decisions sa family.

Don't worry po. Pray lang.

gladys said...

I got carried away with your entry, naramdaman ko na rin kasi kung pano mawalan ng mahal sa buhay.

You go girl, ur so brave to face everything..i admire you for that. Ako nun, halos mamatay na rin when my lolo past away. Un kasi tlaga ang greatest fear ko...losing someone i truly love. Matagal ang recovery ko, if not for the help of my late lolo na din..cguro mas lalo pang mahirap.

I always dream of him and day by day...unti unti ko na ring natatanggap.

Napapangiti na rin ako ngayon kapag naaalala ko siya..dati kasi, isang pindot lang ng memory nya, umiiyak na ko. Haaayyy..


Pero ok na ko ngayon, alam ko rin naman kasi na masaya na siya dun and masaya siyang nakikita ako na masaya at di nalulungkot.

Hug n kisses for you Sasha.

sasha said...

Salamat Gladys!

Kapag kailangan maging matatag, siguro dahil kay Lord, nakakaya naman. Talagang kailangan kasi eldest ako.

Tama yan, let's be happy na. At least sila kasama na nila si Lord di ba? Saka mas mahihirapan daw ang mga souls ng ating departed ones kung makita nila na malungkot tayo.

Smile and take care! :)

Serey said...

Sasha, let it be known that you're lucky to have them in your life no matter how short it was because though it might be short but the best thing was that it was a sweet kind of love and kinship. I'm sure that wherever your brother and Mom are right now, they are also looking after you and are happy that you were part of each other in this earthly life.

Do not feel guilty at all that even only after a year, you and the rest of the family were laughing and having fun because for sure this is what they would want for you all left behind.

sasha said...

Thank you so much for the kind words, Serey!

Take care!

Raquel said...

Hi Sasha, grabe, while reading this, napa-iyak ako. I can relate myself sa dinaanan mo. Kawawa din ang kapatid mo, 14 years old palang namatay na sya. Mahirap man tanggapin pero wala na tayong magagawa eh.

About you and your mom, pareho din tayo andun sa tabi nya.

Sayang etong mga archives mo, sana ma import mo to sa WP, ask Ethel, I think she can help you about this.

Anonymous said...

hi thanks for sharing your story..i was browsing pictures ng mga tomb ksi today is the 40 days of my mom hindi pa ksi nafinalize then i saw the picture of your mom's tomb and read the story behind i cant help myself crying relating to your story at ganon din ksi kmi ng mama ko we talked a lot at maasikaso even though i have a family of my own God Bless!

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I am Sasha. Blogger, first and foremost. I'm not much of a social creature but I treasure the few people I connect with. I am an accountant by profession, and an addicted blogger. Blogging makes me happy and it's my therapy. I love sunshine, bright lights, lavender, coffee. And books!
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