Nov 22, 2006

For now...

AND NOW...

Friends, I am feeling much better now. Let me apologize first for not bloghopping that much because aside from the fact that I imposed a no-internet policy on myself, I am also extremely busy because of the coming year-end. Accountants would know this :)

Anyway, I AM NOT GONNA STOP BLOGGING! Ayan, that's clear enough, ayt? hehehe

This entry is related to the one below so I am just going to move the previous one way down there and here's the "new" one...

Yes, kuya, I wasn't really listening to what God wanted me to hear. I was waiting for the answer that I wanted. I am, for once, being selfish and a brat!

I am not enjoying it though. I cannot be sad, angry or madrama for a long period of time. That is so not me.

This is the real me...

Bungisngis.
Makulit.
Sarcastic in a good way.
Trying to be sweet but failing at times :(
Loyal kachika to the max.
Hindi pikon at madaling maeskandalo.
Minsan may toyo.
Pero smile lang ang katapat.
God-fearing.
Adik... Sa YM, books at blogging.
At bungisngis forever
(Yung mga nakakausap ko sa phone can attest to this... Nyahahah)

THAT is the real me.

But, of course, I have my "down" moments. There are days when the burden is so heavy that I tend to be melodramatic.

I know that I am not the only person who's experiencing all these. I am also very much aware that my "load" is lighter compared to others. I watch the news, too.

BUT, I am entitled to a tantrum once in a while, says my friend. Hahahah

Thank you so much for your comments. I cannot answer them yet because as you know, I am only "peeking" from time to time. I am one of the top internet users here in the office so I have to lie low for now. Sira naman ang pc sa house kaya eto :(

Again, THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART. I realized that eventhough most of you don’t know me personally yet, you still care enough to leave a heartfelt message for me.

Will probably be back blogging by weekend *keeping my fingers crossed*

***

*Originally posted last 11.19.2006 at 7:40PM
Been feeling stupid lately. As in super duper down right STUPID! It took a stranger to make me realize that I've been living a lie. I'm doing things half-heartedly. I've been watching my life pass by and not actually live it. AGAIN.

When I was told of the fact, I actually cried. And the person's right. It hurts to hear the truth but someone has to say it.

I'm denying the fact that I'm self-destructing. I haven't been giving my best in what I do. I've been hiding behind a smile all the time. And it's not good. Even that I'm denying all this time.

Lately, my focus has been wavering again. I've been prioritizing things that shouldn't be given precedence over my primary goal. I've been wrecking havoc in my work and attributing it to my "hatred" with the profession that's given me so much. Truth is, I just want to be selfish from time to time. I want to be un-strapped with all the obligations that came with everything. I don't want to be afraid of waking up and not being able to provide. I just want to be away from everything and stop thinking.

Maybe you're right, I have this need to be needed. Maybe, thinking of myself for once is a sign of weakness and selfishness for me. It is. And I hate it.

God has given me so much blessings in life. Despite the two deaths in the family, life has been pretty good. Despite the financial struggles from time to time, life has been fun.

But the hatred is just beneath the surface. I'm afraid it'll explode within me. I'm beginning to doubt and question. The hatred is just here, waiting to be triggered.

55 comments:

Anonymous said...

Yes, in some ways i was right, except that it hurts really, scary for me :D

The contradiction? u wanted to be selfish yet that's the same thing u hate, thus u even unconciously hate yourself that leads to self-destruction, gradual and getting painful, reason why you tend to look at yourself, self-pity and yet, disturbed with the notion, the need to be needed...the responsibilites and the longings u try to balance (others or family). All of us have different stories to tell; no worries, laban ng matatapang sa buhay ito.

Ate, it takes time, but first step you've done, recognizing and maybe acceptance would be the next...of course, moving on is part of it, be wise...

hmm, just from a fool like me, hehehe

smile! :)

tina said...

mhmmm Buti you are starting to pour it out. whatever it is you are feeling.

We must admit what we are feeling.. even if it is soo bad such as hate.

Kasi from there, we can move on.

Truth hurts... but it sets us free.

And the truth wont be soo hard after all.. because you see.. the answer we are looking for is LOVE. just LOVE. Love is the answer. :)

Love you! and Be Blessed!

CeEjAy said...

nosebleed! hehe.. sinusubukan kong maging isang psychiatrist para maging taga-analyze ng mga ganyang moods ng tao.. sana ay makapasa ako sa ust!

ghee said...

hmmm,im not aware of pacquiao morales story...

u know,Sash,youre not the only one who feel/felt/feeling as you do...we are bound to be happy,but happiness is so "slime" sometimes that we cant hold it firm,and if it is in our hands,it is sometimes complicating...

you cant just run away form your obligations,yet you are a woman who need to be needed,and a woman like you should be blessed with "someone" who can understand you and your family as well...

its so natural to feel and think the way you do right now...but i still believe that in the end,you can put the last piece of the puzzle in proper...

cheer up,Sash!hugggggssss

tin said...

dont worry sis.. you'll be fine. i know. :) cheer up. :)

nona said...

pour it sis...scream it out...you'll see it'll make you feel better.
hatred? abhorrence? odium or whatever....it's normal...we're human; everybody have it...
cheer up...halika at isang tagay lang 'yan.
*hugs and kisses for you*

manilenya said...

di ko alam sasabihin ko kasi parang nasa pareho tayong sitwasyon e :)
cheer up na lang
at magdasal na maliwanagan ang isip :)
stay pretty and be happy na lang sa ating dalawa :)

mousey said...

hugs nga kita sashing! sabay eto cheese o yan ngiti na siya.

ikay the dancer said...

aww.. ate dont hate yourself.. there must be reason behind it.. ganun lang talga..

ganyan din ako.. professional na ako sa pagtago ng "totoo" na nararamdaman.. at ngayon nagssuffer ako kce hindi ko talga kaya ibuhos ang laman ng nararamdaman ko kahit pilitin ko.. mahirap talaga.. and it's painful..

ate cheer up..

howling said...

Wow. This pretty heavy stuff, sash. No worries, like what everyone else have pointed out here: we all go through the same phase. There's always up and down in life. There is no denying that.

It's a good sign that you have recognized that there is a problem. It always start with denial and I can see that you've been there and done that. We have built-in defense mechanisms to cope. It's always best to face our troubles and figure out what's best.

Time to move on. You've been through quite a lot of trials and had come out unscathed, so I'm pretty sure you'll get through. You're a smart woman.

We always learn from the past. I know that sometimes we lose track and it's easy to give up. But hey, that's what we're here for - to show you how strong and special you are.

I'm not exactly sure what is it really that you hate about, I can sense that your work is just a part of it. If there is something more that you're not prepared to pour out in public, you can email me anytime.

We can discuss about it more.

Meantime, cheer up.

Just gimme a shout. :)

kiPaY(^_^) said...

ate sasha...alam mo ako den..pag may problema ako especially financial..dinadaan ko na lang sa tawa ar biro..pero tuwing gabi before ako matulog...iyak ako ng iyak...and I always ask God why??

pero naisip ko na everything has a purpose.

dont be sad na ha...kaya mu yan.. AJAH!! dito lang ako..kip smilin' =)

GOD SPEED!

jeniffer said...

ok there is a problem, but yet you know now.. well atleast.. ryt? now all u have to do is to plan for your steps, on how to solve it.. never move unless ur ready.. there is such a word that 'in every action there is an equal or opposite reaction..' so live it by urself..

Iskoo said...

sana maayos na din lahat, kung makakaya mo pa nguniti inspite of the problem you may have, i think makakatulong yun. be with true friends para makasama mo while looking for some answers :)

cruise said...

cheer up sasha, lahat naman tayo dumadaan sa ganyan at may kanya kanya tayong prob na maaring mas mabigat pa yung meron sa iba. continune to stay focus, if you fail, oks lang yun, then stay focus again. i am sure in due time magiging ok din ang lahat :)

Wendy said...

Chill ka lang gurl... lilipas din 'yang kung anumang nararamdaman mo... promise!
Just keep on praying gurl!

*tap on shoulder* WHATEVER IT IS... KAYA MO 'YAN!

ralphT said...

aaawww.... what's wrong ate sash? sabi ko sau add mo ako sa ym e! haha. halika't pagusapan natin 'to! :)

gladys said...

opppsss...

Ilabas mo yan para mabawasan kahit paunti unti lang kasi mahirap makulong sa poot, nakakasira ng diskarte, nakakawala sa 'focus' natin sa buhay.

Walang tunay na kaligayahan at kapayapaan kapag maraming 'unsettled emotional problems' na di na-se-settle. Walang di kaya sis, ikaw pa. Minsan lang tlagang mapagbiro ang buhay...pero wala din naman kasing 'challenge' kung puro na lang kagandahan. Tini-test ka lang ni Lord..kung hanggang saan ang katatagan sa kung anuman ang pinagdaraanan mo ngayon.

Basta..tandaan mo lang, kapartner ng gabi ang umaga..ng iyak ang tawa at ng pagiging kalmado ang pagiging galit. Kaya normal lang yang nararamdaman mo, ang 'challenge' dun how can you solve it or answer those unanswered questions...ganyan talaga ang buhay sis eh.

Nga pala..saan na ba yang hinayupak na yan (m guessing na tao..hehe) nang masabunutan..cge na ilabas mo na sis, tulungan kita...nyahahahahha.

Oisttt...smile naman jan.

yorokobee said...

everybody have it(that feeling) so its normal! atleast you are in the first move na,(realized) then go to the second,third,fourth and there you go!!! you'll be okay*.*

be LOVED and BLESSED Sashing!
tama si Nona,sang tagay lang yan,hehehe.

celena said...

Huwa!! Bakit malungkot ka?? Minsan ganun talaga...nagtataka ka kung bakit hindi ka masaya eh dapat masaya ka...

lightning revenant said...

Kumusta na ate sash? -_- Anyway i hope you sort things out well. Im just a bloghop away. *HUGS*

rHo said...

mwuaaaaaaaaaaaahuuugzzzz!!! sa simpleng hug na yan, i hope you can feel na hindi ka nag-iisa!! everything will fall into place sis, i'm just here for you and you know that!

cheer up okay??! sasabunutan kita lukaretz! mwuaahhh! o smile na?!? weeeee.... labyu sasashing!!

kuyaacengbayan said...

aba siryoso ah!!!

JO said...

It is ok to be selfish once in awhile. We all need to take care of ourselves, love ourselves, before we can take care and love another person. Don't feel bad about wanting to be selfish. It is human nature.

Just blog hopping from Ghee.

kneeko said...

ano e2? huli na ako ah...

tapos na magsampay.... sasampa na akooooooooooooooooooooo

tutubing_karayom said...

Waaaaaaaaa.. maling mali ito.. dont ever call urself StuPid.. magagalit ako at magagalit si Lord... Dapat burahin na sa dictionary ang word nayan...

Minsan we tend to be selfish for once, pero at the end mare realized nman natin ang reason behind it dba? nagkakamali tayo, oo, e sino ba nman hindi? then dun na tayo mag sisimula ng tama. Sabi nga u can hide, but u cant walk away... tama nga nman... basta dont ever ever pull urself down...

magulo man ang comment ko pero alam ko u understanding wat i am seying dba? heheh!

Ann said...

The way I see your previous posts, you are not selfish. Everything that happens has a reason. Sabi nga sa blog ni kd..one step at a time.

Cheer up!

fayenget said...

everything will be alright in HIS time.. =)

Vince said...

ah good! at least u recognized your ek-ek, hehehe, sana dahil ako ang naunang nag-post ng comment, ako rin tatapos nito anddd, para may bago namang posting, ano. sana nga.

but, di pa tayo tapos, so, kumbaga, isanbg ingredient lang yan, marami at may darating pa na mga sangkap na magbibigay-lasa sa buhay natin, ok?

Just remember, were given choices and let's live according to His plan, not according to what we want...

tina said...

at least naman nag post ka! ahihi. :) Of course.. ok naman ung drama once in awhile.. ahihi. :P u were just sorting things out anyway...

ahihi Enjoy life and Be Blessed! :)

ghee said...

Thats the spirit..,siguro,kilala ko na yung bungisngis at medyo emotional na Sasha :)

im glad youre back!!

looking forward for the new posts again.sana magawa na ang pc nyo sa bahay :)

luv yah,Sash!!c yah later!

nona said...

Glad to hear that, that's my sasha!!...let's look at the bright side na lang sis, 'di ba? *smile*

tin said...

Im so happy you're alright now ate sash!! :) pag malungkot ka, and depressed, always pray to God. May mga kaibagan ka naman jan sa paligid mo na nanjan parati para sayo. Even yung mga online friends mo, they are willing to help you and will always cheer you up. :) Always smile! :)

carlota said...

Late ako dito...Hope you all better all the way na.

Glad to know you and happy na ok napala ang lahat.

Ingat palagi Sash. Hugz to you.

ikay the dancer said...

hehe .. yeah.. accountants.. uu dito sa bahay may auditing firm si mami.. uber busy. anu ba meron? bwahaha!

manilenya said...

kaya nga gulat ako sa nabasa ko sa isang blog nagpapaalam ka daw sa blog .... lol parang di ko maisip na kakayanin mo yun hehehehehe..niways talagang ganyan lahat dumadaan sa ganyan paulit ulit .... pabalik balik pero okay lang yan may mga araw naman na pag gising mo e okay ka na ulet ... abnormal ka ulet lol .. sa akin kasi pag maayus ang utak ko abnormal ako sa mga panahon yun :) niweis pakasaya ka sa pagiging malungkot ..... kasi pag di ka malungkot baka mamiss mo yan lol!!!

master said...

maligayang pagbabalik...

juana said...

yan oks na oks na!

potpot said...

wah!! that's the spirit achie!! tama yan! wag mag give up.. kaya pla hindi mo ko masyado nabisita.. lahat tau ay may karapatang ma bad trip. smile na ate. :)

sasha said...

@Kuya... anonymous ka dyan! hehe

Oo, alam ko naman yun. Sa totoo, nagtatanga-tangahan lang para kunwari di ko intindi. Pero sa totoo alam ko naman :)

Nakakainis lang kasi talaga paminsan. And matagal ko ng na-recognize ang "dilemma" na ito, kuya.

Eto na naka-smile na :D

@Tina... my ever loyal blogger friend! Luv yah for always visiting. Sowee nde nakakadalaw ha... Bawi ako sayo promise!

Yes, truth hurts. And sometimes, someone has to tell it to our face before we admit it. Ganun nangyari sa akin.

Not looking for LOVE nga, sis. More moolah actually! hahahah

Luv yah!

@CJ... you actually made me smile with "nosebleed"... hahahah

@Ate Ghee... tama ka, I'm not the only one. I know rin naman, te. Kaya lang minsan talaga, sinusumpong din ako ng pagiging pasaway ko! Saka minsan kasi nagpapapansin kay Lord hehe

I know I cant run away from my obligations naman. And I don't want to rin. I can't. I'm not raised that way :) Kaya nga, eto ay bouncing back from my melancholy...

Luv yah, te! Thanks for cheering me up with the size 25 story hehehe... Muaaah!

@You're right, Tin! Thanks! :)

@Nona... tagay nga lang! hahaha

Seriously now, thanks for cheering me up ha! At sa pagbabasa ng nobela ko hehehe... can't wait for Dec 2! Luv yah, sis! Muaaah! ^_^

sasha said...

@Salamat Ate Melai! Tumpak ka dyan! Prayers talaga... at let's stay pretty nga! hehehe

@Mousey... mare, you never fail to cheer me up with your cheezy tags! Luv yah! Muaaah!

@Ikay... ilabas mo yan. Mahirap saka masakit sa dibdib. No, I don't really hate myself naman. It's just my way of telling others that I made a teeny-weeny booboo hehe...

Thanks for cheering me up! *Hugs* for u...

@Howling... thank you! When I read your comment yesterday, I was so overwhelmed with emotions... THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!

You're one of those people whom I dont now personally but have said good things about me.

Let's talk sometime, when I get back my connection at home :)

@AJAH, Kipay! Crying helps! Ganyan na ganyan din ako hehehe

Luv yah!

@I know, Jennifer... thanks

ghee said...

haha! size 25,naging...nawala as in?! hahaha!

pag sobra,may reklamo,pag kulang,may angal pa rin,hehe.."huMEN" haha!

nao said...

Hope you're feeling okay now. keep up the smiles sis!

hazimeister said...

we are entitled to do anything that we wish to do.

we go on dark journeys but its ok.
that's where we are tested as humans. and we know life does not consist of only the good ones.

there's more tomorrows and life goes on.

year-end reports.. inventories.. clearings.. errr.. goodluck! and wag mashado pabayaan sarili. eat well. and have good rest.

ralphT said...

accountant ka pala? waw! haha :)

anyways, sabi ko sau, kailangan lang natin mag usap! hahahaha =P i'll walk you through this! ;)

Manic Psycho said...

God is good.. ^_^

yorokobee said...

bungisngis rin ako tsaka nice kachika to the max...hehe
baka pagmagkausap tayo sumabog ang phone? aaay!

nice to know the real side of Sasha!

Racky aka Bakya Ni Neneng said...

nawala ka ba? ngayon lang nakasilip uli ... KAYA NATIN YAN!!! ;)

schönes wochenende! (happy weekend)

Wendy said...

Nyahahaha... Bungisngis ka pala, 'di ba masakit sa panga?! PEACE!

God fearing... definitely gurl! I love this one... really?

Iskoo said...

cool blogskin :)

tama yan dont stop blogging, you may pause but never stop. glad to hear that you are feeling well. God bless

Devilicious said...

Phew!~ andaming comments a! di nko mkasingit! hehehe..

Nice to know that we're both back! although.. i doubt if im back here for good.. maybe not yet. soon.. have to deal with some issues pa kc.. plus.. my nanay was taken back to the hospital nnman.. :(

nyways.. love u dear!

-pAm- said...

ate! tenchu sa pagbati!!:)


hehehehe!!!^_^


tama yan..hindi maiiwasang mag-emo pero sakto lang na dapat eh brighter side of things ang tinitingnan..=)

sasha said...

@salamat, Iskoo! kaya ko talagang ngumiti kahit na may prob, ganun ako pinalaki. hehe..

@you're right, cruise... and i'm aware of the fact na maliit lang itong sa akin compared to others :) minsan lang... well, ayun nga, nagiging melodramatic :(

nde pa rin ok ang lahat pero i'm focusing on my main goal once again, thanks! :)

@Wendy... tama ka, mare! eto at lumipas na nga! hahaha... tenchu, alam ko naman na kakayanin ko lahat for my family *hugs*

@ralphT... ayan at ni-add na kita hehehe... tenchu, friend! cge at pag-usapan natin kahit medyo ayos na ako hehe

@Gladys... tenchu, sis! touched ako sa mga sinabi mo. tama, mahirap mabalot sa poot... pero don't worry, ala naman yun. it's just my way of saying that i made some boo-boos in life and i'm dealing with it.

sabunutan mo ba? hahaha tenks, sis! muaah!

@korek, Bee! tara at tagayan mo na nga ako! hehehe

@ayun, Celena, nde na ako sad hehe... ganyan ka rin ba?

@Giovanne!!! ikaw pala yan! hehehe... aliw ako sayo ha :) medyo ok na ako, tenks! i will definitely go to ur lungga later :)

@Rho... sis, wag mu ako sabunutan ha? hehehe... i know naman di ako nag-iisa... meron nga pala akong ipapa-hunting dyan sa US sayo pwede? hehehe joke!

napangiti mo nga ako sa "lukaretz" na yan hehehe! labyu too, bru! muaaah!

@KuyaAce... oo seryoso naman ngaun :)

@thanks, JO! thanks for droppin by :)

@kneeko... nde ka pa huli hehe

sasha said...

@TiKey... opo, inay at tatanggalin na hehe.. korek lahat ng sinabi mo, sis! at naiintindihan ko hehe! tenchu! muaah!

@wow, touched ako, Ate Ann! pero i will give myself some credit this time, yes, i've never been selfish talaga! di ko kaya e... thanks, te! muaaah!

@Faye, i know :)

@Kuya... nega ka naman! hehehe joke! pero tumpak ang mga sinabi mo. at oo, magpo-post na po ng bago.

@Tina... what would my blog be like without you?? hehehe! SALAMAT, friend! minsan dramatic lang talaga ako hehehe

@Ate Ghee... hehe! nakilala mo na nga! truth is, what u see is what u get akong tao... kung ano ako online, ganun din ako offline :)

luv yah, te! muaaah!

@Sis, korek! and that's what i normally do :)

@salamat, Tin! andami nga nagpa-smile sa akin e. and you're one of them! :) tenchu!

sasha said...

@Ate Carlotz, thanks po! ^_^

@Ikay... may auditing firm mom mo?? Ayos ah! naku, wag mo na alamin kung anong meron. hehe! karaming trabaho! :(

@Ate Melai... sang blog yan? hehe! kahit ako nde ko maisip na kayanin ko yun! hahaha! sa ofis nga kahit bawal, tumatakas pa rin e! tama ka dyan! at ako rin, abnormal kapag normal ang mga bagay-bagay hahaha!

@Master, salamat!

@Juana... oo mare, medyo ayos na! hehehe

@Shobe... uu nga e! Sowee ha at bihirang makadalaw :( di bale, babawi na ako :)

sasha said...

@Ate Ghee... oo natawa ako sa size 25, na nawala! hahaha!

@Nao... i'm feeling much better now, sis! *hugs*

@Hazim... you're right, anya! but in my case kasi, i need to take into consideration my family before i do something. and yeah, there really are more tomorrows :)

hahaha! so u know what i'm talking about! thanks, anya! muaaah!

@ralphT... yup, accountant ako :) hahaha! ni-add na kita ha! tara kaibigan, usap tayo ^_^

@Avy... Amen to that! :)

@Bee... baka nga! hahaha! naku, minsan nga usap tayo, sis! baka puro bungisngisan gawin natin hehehe

@Ate Neng... kinaya na po hehe... nde ako nawala, te, medyo naglie-low lang kasi bawal sa ofis ang kaadikan ko sa blog hehe

@Wendy... sanay na, mare! mas masakit sa panga at laging nakasimangot hahaha

oo, God-fearing po :)

@thanks, Iskoo! i couldn't even if i wanted to hehehe... nasa system na e! God bless din! :)

@Devilicious... sis, let's talk! I'm sorry to hear about your nanay. luv yah, sis! muaaah! *hugs*

@Pam... eto at medyo ok na hehe! belated uli! muaaah! :)

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Miss Blogger
I am Sasha. Blogger, first and foremost. I'm not much of a social creature but I treasure the few people I connect with. I am an accountant by profession, and an addicted blogger. Blogging makes me happy and it's my therapy. I love sunshine, bright lights, lavender, coffee. And books!
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